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I urge you and your husband to find a couples counselor who can work with you on how to reconnect after an affair.

You can build something together, and it can be something beautiful, but it will be something new.

Are you stuck on the message, “I didn’t deserve this. One common message that betrayed spouses struggle with is, “It’s not fair. You are suffering, and he is likely aware that his actions are at the root of that suffering. If you truly want to stay with him and rebuild a relationship together, you are going to need to choose to let it go.

He/She had an affair and ‘gets away’ with it because I want to stay married.” That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an angry, resentful place. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in pain as well, you may have an opportunity to connect with each other. You are going to have to focus on the good that is between you, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the pain of infidelity.

I’m guessing that right now apologetic words and acts of contrition are not helping you let go and move on.

Often, when we have been hurt, we need to feel that the other person truly understands the pain we are experiencing and gets how serious the emotional pain and betrayal really are.

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I want to hurt him like he hurt me, but I don't want to lose him. —Steamed Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist Feeling angry is an incredibly natural response to the feelings of betrayal that come from infidelity. Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can mask other feelings. Anger may feel like a safer way to manage your pain, but it will slow your healing.

Admitting and confronting the pain behind the anger is essential, and it requires vulnerability—which is hard when you are dealing with this kind of breach of trust. I wonder, though, what it is you might need from your husband to help you with that healing.